Thursday Morning Thoughts

The first real rain of the year always makes me think of Spring.  I don’t know if I’m more excited because it’s not snow coming down, or if it’s because I know soon, my flowers will be sprouting.  Soon, I will see people seeding my back yard, and my husband, dad, FIL, and brothers putting up a fence.  And soon, I will be planting trees, flowers, and vegetables.

This morning, on my rainy drive into work, I didn’t think about all the above fun, exciting, Spring things to look forward to.  Today, instead, my non-caffeinated brain thought it would be better to think about Relay for Life.  Sure, this is the time of the year to start planning for it, but this year it will be different.

Last year my mom walked as a survivor, as I’m hoping she will again this year.  This year, my husband will join her.  To me, this morning, this brought on a wave of confusing emotions that I have not been able to shake.  I am very concerned at the alarming rate of increase in the number of people I know walking as survivors, but I am also very proud and excited to see them walk together.  “Survivor” is so much better than “Patient”.  I’m not sure how I will feel watching 2 people I love among the crowd of strangers brought together by such an ugly thing.

Dan and I don’t refer to him as a survivor.  I actually spend most of my time ignoring the elephant in the room.  I will refer to his cancer as “before you were sick,” or “before the surgery”.  I don’t know if I have properly dealt with things, or if this is my way of dealing with it.  This, in turn makes me wonder, if I’m not dealing with it, how am I helping my husband?  Am I being as supportive as he needs? 

All I know is that these thought processes should not be done before work, on a Thursday when I have to be here for 11hrs, especially before coffee, 5 days before his next Oncologist appointment.  But, I do know that we are going to have one hell of a 1 year cancer-free party this summer.  And, I would love it if every one of my readers could join us for Relay for Life this year in May. 

Maybe that is my way of coping.